steelminded | IC Contact

Emiya. [ Her voice is light, breathless. Almost as if she doesn't even have the energy to be up right now. ]

I conducted a ritual some time after you had left and made an error in doing so. I've been injured, but am with a doctor right now so please don't worry. There's no need to hurry back. I'm fine.

Please continue onwards to the Station. And Emiya?

I, I care for you a lot so I don't want to see you blaming yourself for this. This was my mistake and my mistake alone.

[ If he replies back, there's no immediate answer. She's passed out. ]

[ While the party is still going on hard, Rin's taken her leave of it for various reasons. The room has mostly been cleaned up after Jack's wonderful influence, but Rin can be found fixing up her roommate's bed sheets. They haven't had a chance to speak since he's returned other than casual pleasantries as they both have been kept busy. Him with the cooking, her with her research as well as her practicing magecraft. When he does step through tonight, she's fluffing his pillows in her dress, minus the cloak she was wearing earlier out in the cold. ]

Ah Emiya..? You're up here early. [ She might have been trying to avoid him tonight as well. The added presence of Guinevere has her drained both spiritually and mentally. ]

[ He was about ready to get some sleep in, what's with all the cooking he did alongside today's activities. Either ways, he's about ready to collapse and sleep the night away, preferably after Tohsaka's asleep. Ever since that message ten days ago, he hasn't really been able to face Tohsaka properly, either due to him being plain busy or having always entered the room while she's sleeping.

Either ways, this was a good timing, the party has quieted down, and most of the guests are either asleep or had headed home through the use of the fairy rings. He can talk to her now. ]

Ah, Tohsaka. I just had to grab some things from my... room...

[ STATIC ]

Edited 2014-12-24 05:55 (UTC)

[♪♪♪]

[ The dress was something he knew Tohsaka wore, having seen her back when she's properly inside. As well as her hanging around Saber, but he's viewing it through a different angle that he didn't really notice one thing. That gaping wound on her chest. At first he thought it was a trick of his eyes, but then everything clicked. Her state of exhaustion when she sent him that message ten days ago, while he's on the way to the station.

Then.

That meant not only had he hurt Tohsaka, what pushed her to somehow attain this wound could probably traced to him as well.

His knees trembled. His lungs burned, he can't speak a word. ]

Sorry if said things are still a bit wet. [ She doesn't notice right away as she continues to fluff the pillow, raising a hand to dry it with a spell anytime she feels a spot of dampness.

Rin's so used to that faraway look in his eyes that she's given up trying to reach him once he's there. In that place alone she can never catch up, so all she can do is wait for him to return to her. ]

I had a disagreement with a winter spirit and he decided to fill the entire room with snow. Can you believe my luck? It's almost like Lancer's.

[ He blinked.

No. Tohsaka seems normal to him, she's acting normal to him. But he can still see that wound.

No, it's not as if she's acting normal with him, it's because she probably didn't notice that she's showing that wound to him, let alone the fact that the dress was a bad enough news to him. He swallowed the bile accumulating within his throat. And while he's broken off his trance.

He still sounds serious, concerned even. ]

...Tohsaka... how did you get that wound?

T-This one?

[ The pillow is clutched tightly against her chest as she whirls around surprisingly quick. Agile, she avoids tripping over the length of the dress as she stares him down. ]

I thought I had told you..? It was nothing major.

[ Except she hasn't healed it.

The girl who could restore his heart to the way it was and fix him was unable to stabilize herself. ]

Tohsaka, there's a hole on your chest, that's not a minor wound at all!

[ For the first time in his stay here, he raised his voice. At the same time, his guilt kept on increasing. For him to be so blind of her plight, it's his own fault that he couldn't even see the state of his partner, both in life and in battle. No, he couldn't even fathom how badly he messed up this time. ]

Emiya, you've had a more crucial wound in your chest so you know that what I'm going through is-!

[ She freezes at that.

Paralyzed with fear, Rin understands that he knows exactly how much pain she's been in. ]

...Tohsaka?

[ There's a concerned mention of her name the moment she freezes. He takes a step forward, not knowing what this will do, but clearly right now she needs all the rest, rather than fixing their room with her own magic. ]

Emiya-! [ Having been approached when she was a questionable state was like rolling the dice on her mood and boy did he land on the worst combination. ] Have you been avoiding me?!

No! I was busy with the preparations for the party, remember?

[ And now she's being difficult, while he's slowly getting used to this, it doesn't change the fact that Tohsaka can be really moody at times too. ]

You didn't even ask me to dance once even though I was dressed like this!

[ Because that's the real problem here. ]

Weren't you the one to suggest that we're not going to act close to each other while we're in public?

[ he also saw her with saber and she seemed to be enjoying herself so he left it at that too.

Either ways. ]

There's something more important to discuss here aside from that!

You're right. [ Throwing the pillow down on the bed roughly. ]

You could always ask me to dance now that we're alone, stupid.

...

Please tell me this is just the punchline to a terrible joke.

[ Because this is not helping his concern at all, rather, it's just magnifying it. ]

[ DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A JOKING MATTER TO YOU, SHIROU EMIYA?? ]

I mean it.

You never treat me like a real... you know?

... say Emiya, what am I to you?

[ The question is just as impulsive and dangerous as her mood swings. ]

[ Silence greeted the room.

Of course, it's this question. For him, Rin Tohsaka was both an ally and a lover. For someone as broken as Shirou Emiya, a lover is definitely something he can't have. It'd conflict with his idea of never deserving anything that makes him happy.

He's happy with Tohsaka being his anchor, but one day... There will be a time where Shirou Emiya opens the door to his cage and runs forward, never looking back. He knows how Tohsaka promised to a man that wasn't there anymore to keep an eye on him. And he remembered his own words to that man.

That he'll keep this ideals and running on ahead, because it's a beautiful ideal, and not because it's his own burden.

So.

What is Tohsaka to him? ]

[ Sparks danced in his mind. Of her smile, her barbed words, her slights against him, whether good-natured or spiteful. Of the time he reached for her hands while he was still lost in London and not being used to everything within that country.

Of the time he continued chasing after her, as she seems distant to him, despite being so close together. What is Rin Tohsaka to this individual named Shirou Emiya...?

The question continued to hound him. And as he continued thinking, he takes a step forward. ]

Huh.

[ There's no need for him to say an answer because there isn't one there. Having known already how this conversation would go, she selfishly put it off and for what? An illusion that she wasn't alone in a foreign country?

From one country to the next, these two young souls clung to each other for comfort that the other failed to provide. From one world to the next, they continued to reach out for ideals out of their reach and even when their fingers brushed up against one another, they lacked the strength go just grab hold firmly. The comfort he gave was just as fake as the blades he projected and for the first time, Rin was able to acknowledge this.

His words and actions of the past... had they simply been things he created in order to combat that which was in his path of a hero?

Shirou Emiya was steel forged and shaped with fire whereas Rin Tohsaka was a gem forged under years of pressure. They were truly incompatible souls no matter how hard she wanted to believe otherwise. ]

[ He steps forward and she falls back. It isn't a malice action or one of fear so much as it was one of necessity. They were always like this, so why not dispel the illusion once and for all? ]

So that's how it is.

Edited 2014-12-24 07:53 (UTC)

[ He notices the reaction, realizes that like always, Tohsaka came to an answer he couldn't get to yet. It's only normal, such a brilliant gem like her wouldn't take this long to realize that... swords adorned with jewelries are just decorations. Right now, he realized that he's at an impasse. Choose Tohsaka, and let go of his ideal. Choose his ideal, and abandon his partner completely.

For him, there was no middle ground. One extreme over the other. With him right now, he can't make a choice down one path where he can have both.

Such a contradiction is not allowed.

So he spoke as he stopped moving. ]

Tohsaka.

They (my feelings) are real.

[ What he felt about her, of her brilliant light, of their distance. ]

However, whether it's an image or not. [ It never was an image, but for her sake of her always being right... ]

I'm not exactly sure.

[ This was a path she never wanted to walk down and yet here she was, forcing herself right along it. Why can't he just reach out like a normal boy and place a hand on her waist to pull her into a dance like she originally asked? Just sweep her off of her tired feet and embrace her, maybe even fall down gently into his dry bed again and just..!

Her eyes sting, but she can't acknowledge why that is.
Just like she's incapable of acknowledging that Shirou Emiya's ideals fail to include her.

A part of her knows it, but she's too busy trying to wrap herself up in her defenses to accept it. If she pads her fragile heart with illusions, then it won't shatter the moment something different touches it. ]

It's so confusing, isn't it..? [ Instead of the prominent flare in her tone, there's something softer in place. ] You can't even call me your girlfriend when any boy your age would have said that instantly.

Tohsaka, I...

[ ... he made her cry and it hurts. Saving people meant that he'll see their smiles. Seeing the opposite reminded him all the more that this is the hell that person sees on a daily basis. A hell of killing and killing and never saving. Always breaking something, whether it's his own heart or others.

But.

Shirou Emiya doesn't deserve being happy from love. The only happiness he can get is to reach that ever distant ideal he borrowed.

He's not allowed to be happy with someone. And yet this person's happiness is directly linked to his.

His heart throbbed, and his nerves that were steel started to crack. ]

IC Contact

AUDIO 🌠 DEC 8

ACTION 🌠 DEC 18

1/2

2/2 have all the ptsd icons

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2